I dont know…
I just felt nothing today…
Before i was always worried..
What am i going to do today…
What i needed to accomplish..
Always in a hurry, always planned
liked an idiot .. so serious . Im not like This before…
But now, i Dont care at All. Have a Lot of meetings? ill check my schedule. So many support needed from different units? Where are you? ill see what i Can do Best! So many calls,things needed from me, from the Office and at home? i will see what i Can do!
also i was thinking about my post yesterday.
being so Tired .
i guess im just Tired of myself.
not anymore. I Will stop overthinking.
I Will be a new me. I hope I can. But I will.
No more wanting attention and no more what if.
Like asking attention from my husband. Let me tell How much i Love him. I may have Lost in faith with our relationship for the past years on and off , had arguments Last week . but i still Love him. I Will Love him as long as i lived. If he got to a point he felt out of Love . If he may commit sin, I Will continue to forgive him. Because i Love him. I Will set him free If he want to. I know im not the perfect wife. I Will Love him as long as i Can. MayBe its just my mind. You know , girls , overthinking . But I trust him. Will continue to trust him. Until I can.
But now, it’s all about Me. I just stopped wanting , craving for attention. Whenever someone had someone attention, like for example my boss, I was the one first but she entertained the next one, I felt unwanted. When some people get recognised , I always think, are they better than me? Why are they given opportunities , why not me? When at home mother always love my sisters when they were around, but I’m the one here , why not me? (Just seldom i know my mom loves me)
In everything. Everytime i felt unwanted , i start to day dream…
That I was very rich. I don’t have to worry about money. That I have everything I wanted . I’m a princess. In my own castle. Then there will come This Prince on a White horse. We will get married (like Crazy Rich Asian wedding) . We will live on our Winter Palace. He Will bring me to Beautiful places i have never Been. He Will Love me endlessly. My dear , he will sing to me everyday. He Will Love only me. We Will spend our day jogging every morning. Then at noon, I will cook and prepare lunch for him ( oh I forgot we’re royal highness ) our maids will prepare all our daily meal. We will spend afternoon eating ice cream even during winter . Then there will be days we will be just seating all day long drinking coffee or reading books (Christian grey) planning to conquer and travel the world . We Will learn all the languages (its needed for every Kingdom gathering ) . I will ask him teach me ice skating and snow boarding (prideofgypsie) . I will be able to see autumn trees and leaves on my feet (no need to post on instagram everything happening ) On summer weekends, we Will go to the feed the duckS in the ponds and feed nuts to squirrel. I Will ask him to try new Movies every week. I Will Go ask him to have a Leave from his kingdom for a while and Go first time surfing in Siargao with me. Or to El nido. Hehe sounds funny. But This is me. Hallucinating (Because I watch a lot of movies hehe)
But today, i just stopped dreaming . I stopped wanting anything. No more daydreaming. No more asking attention from everyone. I Will Focus on mysef , my Health and my dreams. What’s my dream anyways? I dont know. Be happy I guess. I just want to be fully happy. On my own. Then once I’m super happy and love myself , I can love poeple around me truly. I Will Love them with all my heart. No what ifs. Will give back Love to Those who loved me or even they dont Love me. Just Give Love, no wanting back.
I Will try to prove everyone that i Can achieve my goals on my own. One step at a time. (Nonsense) If i want to finish my career still here (Gosh 12 years) and still I can’t be proud of myself. Maybe Go outside the country and live in new Zealand . Have a baby everyone’s is pressuring me… So please stop . Haha. One step at a time.
I felt nothing . But now, suddenly i felt my own value. I guess we should feel nothing’s first before we appreciate we have. We Should Love ourselves.
No regrets. What I have done in the past. Or what I haven’t done. Or what I might be doing wrong in now. No more Feeling in secure . No more putting me down. No more . No less.
I think im so depressed This past weeks and nobody to talk to because i dont want to. I dont want to talk about It.
But now , This Will be my Last time to talk about This bullshit feeling.
This is Me. Never sorry. The end. Talking about my self. Again . Hehe . I Will not kill myself dont worry . Just want to let you know, you are not alone If your feeling Like This sometimes. It’s okay sometimes Im happy being alone too. I don’t have someone to nag what to do. Alone but happy. Want to be more independent and don’t ask someone’s help and doing what I want. But sometimes at The end of the day we all need someone to talk to. Because they care and THey listen.
Or Just asked God for guidance sometimes even you dont believe him. Its nice to talk to him If nobody listen. The devil will made you think they are there for you. But they are not. Life is short. Live it to the fullest .
Or write Like what i a.m doing today. Expressing my feelings. Out in public. No regrets! Just lessons! Haha !
C’est La vie!
sharing below. THIS song inspire me today to live my life. Don’t stop me now..